


drunk text romance

by retrofuture



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Daddy Issues, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slice of Life, angsty, but it also has a good ending i promise, i don't know how to tag, i guess, if you squint maybe, it's under mature but there isn't really smut, kihyun is a soft boy, kihyun would say otherwise but don't listen to him, mentions of drunk hook ups, minhyuk is soft, minhyuk would say kihyun has, they've been friends since high school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 11:59:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15388302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retrofuture/pseuds/retrofuture
Summary: The human mind takes up about 21 days to get used to something. It gets 21 days to get used to getting used in Minhyuk’s case.





	drunk text romance

When something happens so many times that it makes you lose count, does it really matter how it started? The human mind takes up about 21 days to get used to something. That’s really nothing when you have been alive for 25 years. It gets 21 days to get used to getting used in Minhyuk’s case. It’s a bad habit by now. Chewing nails would have been preferable but instead he finds himself being taken apart by cold lips, that taste like whiskey on the rocks, and there’s a sick satisfaction in it. He feels guilt on the back of his mind like a thick fog that spreads slowly. It’s dark and leaves him choked up at night. Every addicted knows he has a problem, Minhyuk is no different.

Growing up he used to get in trouble a lot. Teachers would often complain about how he preferred talking than paying attention to class, how he was too loud when speaking and never followed orders. His mother was constantly receiving little notes about his behavior, and there’s something about a child feeling like a burden so early in life that changed him. See, people have this small social clues written all over their body and Minhyuk got really good at reading them once he started concentrating. He wishes he hadn’t.

People are easy, they follow patterns. Minhyuk knows when someone wants him. Knows when someone is lying, be it to him or to themselves. Knows when someone is sad and doesn’t want to talk about it. He sees everything and files it for later.

-

When he met Kihyun in high school he knew Kihyun didn’t love his girlfriend. They were classmates and he was obligated to watch that horror show of a acting every day. Until one day he was impulsive. He taped Kihyun’s shoulder when they were on their last day of class before summer and told him, “Just leave her already.”. He was met with so much disgust and no words at all, he thought he had imagined the look on Kihyun’s face before he turned his back to Minhyuk and started walking. When classes started again Kihyun was single and sitting close to Minhyuk in class.

Kihyun was like that. You could read him like an open book but at the same time never understand the motivation behind his actions. He was a wild card and Minhyuk was on his toes the whole time.

“Aren’t you ever gonna thank me?”

Math tutoring. It was late november and Minhyuk was tired of waiting. He still remembers how cold it felt holding the pencil and pretending not to give two shits about Kihyun’s reaction. How he had said it so quiet as not to disturb Kihyun’s explanation that maybe he hadn’t listened to him at all. He had.

“For what exactly? _I’m_ the one helping _you_.”

Minhyuk sighed deeply and looked at Kihyun. Laughed a little at the impatience painting Kihyun’s expression before answering. Stubborn boy.

“For giving you the best relationship advice _ever_.”

Kihyun’s eyes widened. He started focusing on their math exercise again. They were stuck with each other and he couldn’t run away from the library. Not the first time, not the last until they graduated.

“Really? Silent treatment? Thought we were closer than that.”

“We’re not friends, Minhyuk.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Ok, great. So as a someone who’s _not your friend_ let me tell you you’ve been doing better in school since you left her. All that pretending was taking a toll on you. Also you look way happier than before. You actually _laugh_. And you sleep, or sleep better at least. Your eyebags are smaller now. So. You should _thank me_.”

Minhyuk smiled and waited. Kihyun was so silent. So, so silent, and that somehow was even more terrifying. He was angry, that much Minhyuk could tell, but it was contained. In an unhealthy kind of way.

“Have you been… observing me? All this time?”

“Oh. Sorry. I tend to do that.”

“That’s creepy as fuck.” But he wasn’t looking at Minhyuk like he was scared. Like he hated him.

“Yeah… sorry.”

“Why me?”

“You looked miserable. I wanted to fix it. It’s kinda who I am.”

And then Kihyun started explaining what Minhyuk had gotten wrong on the equation again and the conversation was over. Just like that.

Thinking back now that was how almost every discussion between them had ended since the beginning of their friendship. Minhyuk points something out, Kihyun stays silent and pretends nothing happened.

-

People are easy, they follow patterns. Minhyuk is not above that. He hears his phone ring once and he knows who it is. Knows better than to make the other wait. So he gets up like every other Wednesday and takes a shower. Pretends it’s just another night out on a bar with friends when really it’s been some time they haven’t invited anyone else. His body feels electric, like he’s _excited_ , and the last bit of his conscience screams at him that that’s _so wrong_. He gets dressed and leaves the house without looking in the mirror. He’s afraid he won’t recognize himself one of these days when he does look.

“What took you so long?”

And Minhyuk notices his glass is already empty, sweat gathering around it. It’s not his first drink, there’s finger marks framed by the little water droplets, he notices. It must have been a rough day.

“It’s like two minutes after eight. Stop complaining.”

Minhyuk orders something to drink that he knows he won’t touch. Prefers staying sober as masochistic as it sounds. Prefers remembering every fingerprint left on his body, although he would never name the culprit behind them to others.

“Sorry. Been here for sometime now.”

“Yeah. I noticed.”

His drink arrives and he smiles at the waiter. Minhyuk ignores the look of pity in his eyes, Kihyun taught him well enough how to pretend.

“The waiter wants to fuck you.”

Minhyuk looks incredulous. _What the fuck_.

“What the fuck?”

“He’s always giving you bedroom eyes.”

“Nice ice breaker. My day was actually good today, I shouldn’t have come. You’re on full asshole mood.”

“Sorry. Maybe we should go somewhere else.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you find it disgusting?”

“He’s not giving me bedroom eyes. And even if he was… no. He’s hot, why not?”

Kihyun scrunches his nose, shakes his head slowly like a disappointed parent. “Are you drinking that?”

“No. You can have it.” Is Minhyuk such a mistake he’s got to drink to the point of almost passing out? And what does that say about Minhyuk who just keeps coming back for more?

They stay silent for a bit, looking at each other like they’re sizing the other up. Kihyun looks good. He always does. His makeup is light and discreet, his pants hug his legs in all the right places, almost making it seem like they’re bigger, fuller. The jacket he’s wearing belongs to Minhyuk. He never had the guts to ask for it back, something about possession, he thinks, keeps refraining him from it.

Kihyun’s cheeks are starting to redden, his eyes turning more open, and like a twisted pavlovian effect, Minhyuk’s heart starts beating faster. “What happened at work?” He asks like the whole situation is just another talk between friends. Like this is their late night calls when Kihyun feels like being open and honest and Minhyuk just listens.

“Nothing new. I want to kill my boss. You look good.” He adds like an afterthought and Minhyuk feels his blood run cold. It’s always like that, always starts like that. Kihyun leans closer to him, grabs his hand. “So good you don’t sound like a bad idea at all.”

Minhyuk wants to flinch, but he likes the praise just as much as he likes the humiliation it comes with. It’s wrong, he should put a stop to it. “I’m going home, Kihyun.”

“Stay.” And Minhyuk is so weak. Because truth is, he wants to stay. He knows Kihyun needs this and it’s so easy forgetting what he needs just so he can _help_. So that maybe this time Kihyun will come to his senses.

But he’s too drunk for that.

-

Kihyun tries to be gentle. He knows he’s using Minhyuk and he tries to be gentle about it. Touches him with hands that say sorry at every new piece of skin they explore. Minhyuk is so quiet, so, so quiet, it hurts. He wants to listen to him, but can’t bring himself to ask. Maybe Minhyuk is more comfortable like that, he should at least respect it.

It’s easy pretending he’s drunk. He knows Minhyuk prefers it like that. He craves it, it’s written all over his face. Kihyun is more than happy to play the part. It’s less heavy on him too, he doesn’t have to deal with his mind screaming touching Minhyuk like that is _wrong_ . Years of his father’s disapproval weighing heavy on his shoulders. _“It’s not natural. It’s a phase. You’re not my son, you’re…_ wrong _.”_

Minhyuk is beautiful, and shameless. _Proud_. He doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve Wednesdays and lights out. Quietness and regret. _Pretending_.

It’s all Kihyun can offer. It’s all he knows.

-

Minhyuk feels goosebumps spreading against his skin accurately like the process is in slow motion. His chest is heavy and his throat hurts. Guilt and pleasure walking hand in hand.

“Here.” Kihyun says. He pushes his leg between Minhyuk’s own and goes back to kissing down his neck. Minhyuk wants to grind down immediately but he doesn’t want to give up the little control he has over the situation just yet. He tries to glue his hips on the door Kihyun has him trapped against, but Kihyun’s grip on his hips won’t let him. Kihyun stops. Doesn’t look him in the eyes for more than two seconds. It’s so dark in his bedroom but Minhyuk still knows. “Is something wrong?” Kihyun asks. He sounds unsure for the first time. _This is new_. Maybe this is progress.

Minhyuk just shakes his head. Doesn’t trust his voice. He’s afraid he’ll say anything and Kihyun will come to his senses. Will realize who he is about to fuck and just go.

“Sweetheart, let go.” And it’s so easy for Kihyun to ask that when he’s holding onto so much Minhyuk doubts Kihyun is even his real name sometimes. Doubts he knows him at all even after all those years. He kisses Minhyuk’s mouth and it feels like begging. He gives up and kisses back. His hands act on their own accord and grab Kihyun’s hair. There’s desperation and longing behind every touch and Minhyuk is glad Kihyun is so clueless sometimes. “Yes,” Kihyun whispers so close to his ear Minhyuk can’t help but moan. “That’s it, sweetheart.”

Kihyun’s hand on his hips gets lighter and he stares at Minhyuk. There’s something in his eyes Minhyuk, for the first time, can’t read. Rather not read. Kihyun’s hand goes up slowly, caressing Minhyuk’s neck gently just to grab his jaw with force behind it, even though it’s light, the next second and Minhyuk’s eyes close of their own volition. He touches Minhyuk’s adam apple next, just the tip of his fingers barely there, feels the way it moves and stares at Minhyuk.

“Look at me.” His finger touches Minhyuk’s bottom lip, presses on it and Minhyuk opens his eyes. “Let go. You sound good.”

Minhyuk trembles.

-

Kihyun blames the whiskey Minhyuk ordered. Kihyun blames himself for not resisting the urge to listen to Minhyuk once again. He’s always so honest, but in that moment he sounded _open_. Vulnerable. Minhyuk looks terrified and Kihyun feels a sick pleasure in it. _“Good. I feel like that all the time around you. Enjoy.”_

“Kiss me again.” Minhyuk pleads.

Kihyun does. Time seems to move slowly around them although the kiss is urgent. Minhyuk finally starts rutting in Kihyun’s thigh and Kihyun feels high on it. They separate and Kihyun doesn’t miss the way Minhyuk’s pouts his lips, a whine trapped in his throat. “Say my name.” Kihyun doesn’t know where that came from.

He grabs Minhyuk by the hips again and stops his movements. Minhyuk’s eyes widen. Silence stretches between them and Kihyun can physically feel Minhyuk’s desperation.

“ _No_.” Comes the answer. “You don’t get to ask that.”

“You don’t trust me?” Kihyun has the nerve to ask.

-

Minhyuk finds Kihyun crying in a corner in the library one day. It’s his favorite spot to take a nap between classes and he’s pretty sure Kihyun should be attending one right now. Maybe he’s crying because college is sucking the life out of him. Maybe he’s sleep deprived. Minhyuk can’t tell. Kihyun’s shaking but he keeps so quiet at the same time. A well contained hurricane. You wouldn’t notice it if you didn’t really look at it.

“Kihyun?” He calls gently. Some people like to cry alone, others like being hugged while they do it. Some cry easily, others bottle up until their eyes can’t contain the tears anymore. Minhyuk finds crying cathartic, he has no idea how Kihyun sees it, though. They’ve been friends for years now and he never saw the boy cry.

Kihyun tries finding a way to hide himself but they both know it’s useless. Also if he tries hiding underneath the table Minhyuk would just go and lie there with him and then proceed to never let him live that embarrassment down once they were out of there. He chooses covering his face with his hands. Safer.

“P-please,” He hiccups and Minhyuk wants to kiss all his tears away. “Just leave, Minhyuk.”

Minhyuk abandons his backpack on the ground and crouches near Kihyun. He looks even smaller like this. Minhyuk feels the urge to hug him but at the same time he’s scared the boy will just leave.

“Kihyun…” And before he can finish what he was going to say Kihyun hugs him.

Kihyun hugs him and starts crying again. It’s still silent but like this Minhyuk can feel Kihyun’s body shaking and all he can do is caress his hair, hold him tighter. They stay like that for a long time. Minhyuk knows because the sun is catching in Kihyun’s tear streaked cheeks and not directly on his eyes and, even though it shouldn’t be, it’s beautiful.

His skin is shining and he’s just breathing easily now, Minhyuk’s shirt still crumpled beneath his hand and Minhyuk thinks there’s something akin to calm in this moment they’re sharing. Kihyun is gently moving away from Minhyuk and Minhyuk lets him, tries to find his eyes. They stare at each other and Kihyun’s eyes are so puffy, red rimmed like he smoked all Minhyuk’s stash, and Minhyuk smiles at him.

“Thank you.” Kihyuns says with a hoarse voice.

“Thank you.” Minhyuk smiles at him again, something warm spreading through his chest like a thousand flowers blooming.

“For what?” Kihyun’s eyes turn into little suspicious slits, but he smiles back at Minhyuk.

Minhyuk thinks the flowers he felt blooming in his chest before got into his lungs and are trying to suffocate him suddenly. He tries to ignore it. “Trusting me.” Minhyuk doesn’t recognize his voice when he says it.

“Trusting… you.” Kihyun repeats like he’s processing the concept. He gets up slowly, collects Minhyuk’s backpack and sits down at a table. He waits until Minhyuk joins him to start talking. “My dad he… found some messages on my phone.” Kihyun’s breathing gets heavy again. “I was talking to a boy.”

That hurts Minhyuk in places he shouldn’t be hurting but at the same time all he can think of is _“Why is that a problem?”_. “And?” Minhyuk asks.

“ _And_ ? And that’s wrong, Minhyuk. That’s _wrong_.” Kihyun sounds angry, but mostly hurt and ashamed. “It’s not _right_ to flirt with boys. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Well if flirting with boys is wrong… I don’t want to be right.” Minhyuk comments and notices right away it was the wrong decision.

“My dad was right. You’re.. _one of them_. You’re a bad influence.” Kihyun is angry, the type of angry that’s calm and scares Minhyuk. “You’re to blame.”

And then it clicks for Minhyuk. Kihyun needs someone to blame even though no one’s guilty. He needs to get rid of that feeling in his gut that screams he did something wrong. Minhyuk recognizes the feeling and a knot forms in his throat. He feels lost and he doesn’t know if it’s because he can sense Kihyun’s asking him for directions, help, just _something_ , or if it’s because all those years he tried to be something he was not came rushing back so vivid it was like he was reliving them in a second again.

“Kihyun.” His voice is weak and his lips tremble. He wants to cry but tries reigning it in.

“No. You.” Kihyun points a finger to him. He looks like he’s about to cry again. “How do you do it?”

Minhyuk is surprised. He half expected to get yelled at, shamed. Kihyun is his friend, yes, but he has been surprised before, for the worst, and he regrets the fact that that made him weary of everyone. “Do what?”

“Are you not… disgusted? By yourself?” Kihyun sounds like a child and Minhyuk wants to hug him again.

“Sometimes, yes. That’s what growing up in a radically christian household will do to you.” Minhyuk ponders if he should go on, but does nonetheless. “My mother, though. She helped me a lot and I’m thankful for it.”

“I wish I had someone like that.” Kihyun says it like the words are in a hurry to leave his mouth.

“You have me.” Minhyuk says and reaches for Kihyun’s hand that’s clenched tight in a fist on the table.

Kihyun looks at their joined hands and then slowly at Minhyuk. He can see exactly when the whole situation seems to register in Kihyun’s brain and he retracts his fist from underneath Minhyuk’s palm. “I should go.”

And that’s the last he hears from Kihyun for three whole months until they meet at a party.

-

Minhyuk wants so bad to say no. But saying no is denying the thing he wants most: getting high on being needed by someone so desperately they’ll leave all caution behind. Being needed by Kihyun felt like a drug laced with desire, freedom and pain. There was something about letting him handle everything that made Minhyuk feel at peace with himself. Telling him no wouldn’t only be a lie, but a sin in the little religion they had created for themselves every time they were together. Minhyuk was ready to confess. “I do.” He says, exhaling so close to Kihyun’s mouth their lips almost touched. He wants to chase it, but refrains in favor of an answer.

“Then say it.” Kihyun whispers, closing the distance between them just so his lips will touch Minhyuk’s while he says it.

“How drunk are you?” Minhyuk dodges Kihyun trying to kiss him.

Maybe he’s asking because he wants it to hurt tonight. Wants Kihyun to leave just because it’ll make him feel empty enough he won’t be able to think. Feeling hollow beats feeling sad for the sole purpose of feeling as bad as you can. Minhyuk craves that feeling.

“How drunk do you want me to be, Minhyuk?”

 _How drunk do you have to be to sleep with me and then not leave me as soon as you’re done? How drunk do you have to be to not look at me like I’m a mistake? How drunk do you have to be to kiss me without pain reverberating through your body? How drunk do you have to be to not think and just_ feel _? How drunk do you have to be to see me?_

“I want the truth, Kihyun.”

“Do you? Truly?” And Kihyun says it like it’s a challenge. Like he knows Minhyuk better than he knows himself.

-

“Hey, _stranger_.” Minhyuk slurs through his words.

“Are you drunk?” Kihyun looks at him with no shame, no guilt. Almost like he hadn’t gone rogue for months. He knows how to pretend, that’s what he tells himself.

“High.” Minhyuk answers after what it seems like five hours to him, but seconds to Kihyun. “Why did you leave me?”

“Stop being dramatic. I was busy.”

“Busy avoiding your best friend.”

“You’re not…” Kihyun sighs. There’s no point in denying it. “You look good.”

“I do?” Minhyuk wiggles his eyebrows. “Give me a kiss then, pretty boy.”

“What the fuck, Minhyuk?” Kihyun tries to look unaffected, but his voice betrays him.

“C’mon. I know you want to. Don’t lie to me.” Minhyuk grabs his wrist while saying it.

Minhyuk starts leading him to one of the darker and secluded rooms in the house they’re in. He does it with so much expertise it’s almost like he’s not high at all and has been to this place before. Kihyun lets him, knows it would be counterproductive trying to stop a stoned Minhyuk. He’ll probably find somewhere to lay in the bedroom and sleep and Kihyun will have to drag him home eventually when people start leaving.

Minhyuk closes the door behind himself and Kihyun takes a minute to appreciate the way the moonlight spilling through the window is painting his body. He can only see half of his face but Minhyuk looks otherworldly. The soft pale blue contrasting against his golden skin makes him look like something straight out of a painting Kihyun wouldn’t mind staring at forever.

“What are you looking at?” Minhyuk asks, his lips stretch into a lazy smile.

“Nothing.” Kihyun bites his tongue on the lie.

“Tell me the truth.”

“Are you sure?” Kihyun can feel himself choking on his own fears but Minhyuk is _high_. Maybe Kihyun can blame whatever he remembers tomorrow when he comes questioning him over text on the fact that he was so high he’s getting things twisted.

“Yes.” Minhyuk steps closer to him. “Please.”

“You.” Kihyun admits. “I was looking at you. You are, for lack of a better word, beautiful.”

And Minhyuk kisses him. He kisses him like he’s a teenager who has never kissed before. It’s sloppy and messy and strangely enough, Kihyun likes it. Likes it so much it takes quite some time for his brain to acknowledge what’s going on, but by then Minhyuk’s lips are gone and he rushes through the door, leaving Kihyun alone.

The room feels like it was suspended in another dimension while they were kissing and now space and time have been rewritten. He unconsciously touches his lips looking for evidence Minhyuk did really kiss him. There’s a heavy taste lingering in his mouth and if he had a poetic bone in his body he would say it was guilt, but it was probably just the weed Minhyuk had smoked. He looks out the window, admiring the only thing that saw them — the moon —, and tries not to forget how Minhyuk’s lips felt against his.

Downstairs, trying to find his way home, Minhyuk stops and stares at it too, concentrating hard on not forgetting how Kihyun had looked at him before he kissed him. If that was the last time he was gonna hear from Kihyun, he wanted to remember how angelic he had looked under the moonlight.

-

Kihyun’s mind is working at full speed trying to balance and process all that is going on. One part of it is screaming at him to tell Minhyuk the truth, give in to his desire. The other keeps throwing all kinds of traumatic experiences at him and he’s reliving them so fast it’s dizzying him. That or maybe the whiskey is. But right now, things aren’t about him. He has a beautiful, trusting boy in his arms and he should at least honour that tonight. He’s been delaying it for too long.

“Please.” Is all Minhyuk says and Kihyun can see the confusion painted across from his face, can almost touch all Minhyuk’s insecurities that are pouring out with that just one word.

“I’m not drunk. I mean, I’m…” Kihyun stares at Minhyuk and tries to caress his cheek, but the boy flinchs away. _“Wrong answer, he wants you to be drunk, idiot.”_

“Why? You always are.” And there’s something dangerous to Minhyuk’s words Kihyun can’t pinpoint. Maybe this is it, maybe it’s finally the last chance he’s going to give Kihyun. “Felt like remembering and laughing at how pathetic I am later? Just your big dumb gay best friend who can’t help but give in to you when you’re just messing around because you’re too scared to face yourself?”

Kihyun feels something shatter inside himself and his stomach is hurting like it was cut open and prodded with a stick. He can’t bring himself to look Minhyuk in the eyes, the shame is eating him alive worse than every time his father had confronted him. And still his mind is so quiet suddenly, like it’s finally satisfied. There’s a strange ringing in his ears and tranquility spreading deep in his bones, making a home there. The most morbid kind of peace where he can finally feel guilt for a good enough reason other than himself.

“Minhyuk, I’m sorry.” And he means it. He looks at Minhyuk to make sure his sincerity does get across. “You deserve better than this. You always did. I don’t know why you spent so much time wasting time on me.”

“Because even though you’re stubborn and rude sometimes and likes to pretend nothing gets to you, I got to you.” Tears start rolling down Minhyuk’s eyes and he shakes his head, a dry laugh escaping his mouth. “I never could understand how someone so smart could be so clueless.”

“You’re just too trusting Minhyuk. Too innocent. You’re too good for this world. And you _know_ I’m broken. Always have been. How did you let this happen for so long?” There he goes again, always blaming Minhyuk when he himself should’ve never let them get in this situation.

“I’m not any of that, Kihyun. You just choose to put me in this position ‘cause it’s easier for you to feel guilty. And then you’re blaming me for not acting exactly the way you had fantasized someone so pure and innocent would.” Minhyuk pushes him away. “I don’t live in your imagination, you don’t control me. I’m not gonna follow some script just ‘cause it’s convenient for you.”

Kihyun finds himself lost for words. Minhyuk is so accurately right it’s scary and he’s trying hard not to cry, but his body has other plans and when he starts he can’t seem to stop. He knows Minhyuk’s words were the match that started it, but he can’t help but feel like he’s crying for so many other things. Because his day was exhausting, because he hates himself, because his roommate won’t wash the dishes and it’s driving him crazy, because he hit his little finger on the bed when he woke up but pretended it was nothing, _because he might lose Minhyuk and Minhyuk is the only thing that seemed to make sense in his world_ , because the shades of black of his clothes don’t match, _because he feels too much and shows too little_.

“Kihyun… Shit.” Minhyuk sounds so distant it’s like they’re not even in the same room. Like Kihyun is watching the whole thing unfold from another person’s perspective or out of his body.

He knows Minhyuk is hugging him, he feels the floor under his knees and they should be hurting by now, but he doesn’t even know how he got himself in that position. Minhyuk’s knees must be hurting too, especially the bad one. They should get up, but he can’t bring himself to do that. Minhyuk is crying too, and it’s silent. _Silent_ , a word he would never in a common setting choose to describe anything Minhyuk does. But here he is. Crying. Silently as to not disturb Kihyun. And it’s probably the closest Kihyun has felt to comfortable, _safe_ , around someone.

“Minhyuk. I’m so sorry.” His voice is breaking through sentences, but he doesn’t mind how vulnerable he sounds right now. “Look at me, please. I’m so sorry. I never tried to be better and you’re right. It’s easier feeling guilty and blaming someone else than actually doing something. Just… trying.”

“No.” Minhyuk stares at him for a second before continuing. “It’s hard and I understand Kihyun. I know what being afraid feels like. I was unfair too. See? This is what I’m talking about. I’m not always right. You have your own time to figure things out and… Yeah. Maybe you bit a bit more than you could chew when we decided to do this — whatever it is —, but I also put unrealistic expectations in the whole situation. You needed slow, I was urgent. I thought I was helping you, but I also saw you as someone who was using me. I was selfish trying to make you act any other than what you really are.”

“So… what you’re saying is we’re both fuck ups?” Kihyun asks and they both laugh at it. Minhyuk is caresses his cheek and Kihyun closes his eyes at the gentleness of it.

“Yeah. I guess that’s exactly what I’m saying.” Minhyuk sighs so deeply Kihyun can feel on his bones how all this is draining him too. “We should have been honest with each other. Our actions aren’t simply black and white and we treated one another like that for too long. You’re not your problems and traumas, I’m not worth only what other people see in me or how much I can help them. I’m me, and you’re you. You’re gloriously you, the man I fell in love with because was unpredictable in his predictableness, but so much more.”

And Kihyun can feel Minhyuk himself wasn’t expecting to say that, sees the way his eyes are looking everywhere else other than at Kihyun. Kihyun reaches for his hand and kisses it. “Thank you. I know that’s a shitty answer to what you just told me, it’s just…” Kihyun trails on.

“No. I understand what you mean.” Minhyuk visibly relaxes. “You have your own time and I should respect it.”

“You should respect yourself too, and the things you want. Stop living for what everyone else needs from you. That’s not living.” And then it clicks for Kihyun. Stupid him. He had the answer all along, but it seems so much easier saying it to someone else than actually practising it. “I’m sorry I treated you like that, though. I know you’ll say it’s wrong, but you didn’t deserve it. I knew it was wrong and kept doing it, and for this I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know.” Minhyuk kisses him tentatively and although it remains _so soft_ , there’s something behind the kiss they’re exchanging that’s filled with urgency.

When they separate to catch their breaths Minhyuk is the first to break the silence between them. “This is great and all but my knees hurt.”

Kihyun laughs and it sounds genuine even to his ears. “Yeah. We’re too old for this.” He gets up first and extends his hand to Minhyuk. “C’mon, sweetheart.”

And Kihyun can’t help but think this is not perfect nor a resolution, a closing, but it’s as close as they can get in this moment, and if that’s what they need he’ll let it happen. He’ll let it wash over him and enjoy the moment instead of separating himself from it because he’s afraid. He has lost so much time being afraid to let people see him because it would hurt when they were gone, but Minhyuk had seen him. Had fallen in love with him despite it all, and maybe, just maybe, it felt good being seen. Minhyuk could still leave him in the future, and all his problems were still nagging at him in the back of his head, but in that moment he just wanted to enjoy the company and not think about all that.

Once Minhyuk was back on his feet he kissed his forehead, his cheeks, his hands. “ _Thank you for the best relationship advice ever._ ” And Minhyuk looked at him like he had seen a ghost before laughing so loud Kihyun was sure the neighbours would file a complaint.

**Author's Note:**

> be gentle with me thank you very much. you can come talk on twitter @hyunghyuns!  
> also i'd like to give many thanks to mari and nati, they were the best enablers i could ask for reading this and giving me only love. i am incredibly soft for you guys (and i love you);


End file.
